I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
