I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
