Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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