wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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