Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
