I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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