I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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