Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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