I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
