How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
