she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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