I wish I only lived at night.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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