How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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