when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
