Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
