I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
