so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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