i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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