Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
