I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
