Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
