Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
