9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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