Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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