i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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