I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
we're making bets on your personal life
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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