I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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