No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
