It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
