i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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