I want to walk on stilts...naked
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
