just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
