I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
