i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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