my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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