I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
