i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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