Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
