"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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