I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
