Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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