I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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