if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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