swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
as a side note pls kill me
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