So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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