Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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