Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
