Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
