Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
