I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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